I’m trying to figure out what draws people together. And is it the same we choose for our partners as with our friends, whether male or female? For the sake of this post, whether you started out as friends first is insignificant.
There are many layers that I’ve been thinking of from the physical to the emotional to the unspoken gut layers…the subconscious ones of which you’re completely unaware. Those are the annoying ones, where you WANT to be attracted to the best guy you know but it’s just not there and you can’t explain why. Damn.
And do opposites always attract? I often believe they do because it opens our minds, adds different perspectives, and gives the illusion of balance, excitement, and an opportunity for growth. Of course, we want similarities and common likes/dislikes in activities and lifestyles, but what is it that truly draws us together?
After each relationship, I’ve predominantly done 180-degree turns. Oops. Let’s not try to be so extreme each time, Laurie. Yes, I just referred to myself in third person. I need to remind myself daily.
For example, my ex-husband was not very affectionate or emotionally connecting. So, immediately after my marriage, being vulnerable and lost, I fell into the arms of a loving, affectionate man who was completely in love with me. We talked until wee hours of many nights, danced in the kitchen, cooked together and laughed a lot. We were very affectionate and I had somebody who was challenging me at the same time helping me through a difficult transition. But, was he right for me? No, absolutely not. But he gave me what I needed at that time and I remain grateful.
But is that what attraction is? What is needed at a given time? Perhaps.
It’s the unspoken layers that really seem to drive me over the line of good choices. They rule my heart and decisions. I used to be drawn to the “good on paper” guy. But now, I want the “lifts me up” guy, as my friends do. My friends LOVE me, and I feel it and I’m so very appreciative. They empower me, are genuine, affirming and make our relationship a priority. So why is that so hard for me to find in a partner, or do I hold my partner to different standards because I’m drawn into another layer with different expectations?
It’s the same reason why introverts are drawn to extroverts, talkers are drawn to listeners, and stability is drawn to vulnerability.
I’m a connector. I’m an open-hearted, open-minded passionate dreamer. I fly by the seat of my pants, take chances, and invariably take on people who “need” me. That is a Leo trait, by the way, so it’s not my fault. Yes, Mother, I’m blaming you again. But we (Leos) are givers and believe that our “gift” is truly needed. And being a natural empath, I am drawn to those vulnerable, real and raw people. I don’t want to fix them, but I want to nurture, support, and love on somebody when times are tough. I’m “that” friend that is just there without asking.
So yes, these seem to be the men I’m attracted to. The ones who have “nothing to lose”. This unfortunately includes married men. I seem to connect well with them because there is no pretense, no expectations, no risk because we know nothing will happen. So it feels safe for both of us, so it’s easy to connect. So, am I picking wrong men? Actually, many of them are great men, just wrong time: unavailable, jobless, recently divorced, job-seeking, whatever it may be. I just have to wait until the timing and connection is right.
But it also doesn’t hurt if they’re dark, Latino, tall, and athletic either. Just sayin’.
Keeping it real.
