What does this journey look like and why do we call it a journey? Is there a destination where we’re magically “healed”? How do we know we’ve arrived? People who haven’t experienced abuse, or narcissistic abuse, clearly do not understand it, as I wouldn’t expect them to. Nor wish it upon anyone. But it seems to be frighteningly everywhere.
I’ve heard it all…”change your locks, block them, throw their shit out!”. But I can’t. At least not yet. It’s also not me, a behavior I possess. And although it sounds dramatic to me, the reasons why strongly justify it. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m holding onto, whether it’s this person, or a past version of myself I’m not ready to let go. Or all the false dreams. Or the good parts that were equally intoxicating as the negative.
You see, it’s a progression over time of manipulation, confusion, gaslighting, and mind-fuckery but this doesn’t just include the obvious negative assumptions. These tactics are also disguised as love-bombing, intense connection, deep vulnerability, and often addictive attraction.
I’m still increasing my knowledge and awareness and learning new terms. I’m trying to keep my head straight and understand what’s going on within me. But I do know there’s no timeframe. He calls and I try not to answer. My heart sinks and my stomach drops. Sometimes I get anxious combined with an eye roll and sometimes I still get excited that he thinks of me. I still feel proud that “he chose me”. Because I really believed he was that beautiful and special. I should never value my worth on somebody else. I need to find it internally. And realize he didn’t choose me, he targeted me.
He texts and I want to say no, but I can’t resist. It’s like my own addiction. An addiction to him, or an addiction to my own patterns? And what exactly am I even addicted TO? The attention, the way he makes me feel, the masochism, the habit, the sec, my patterns or familiarity? Perhaps I’ll never know or understand.
I watched something that referred to “patterns” as “repetition compulsion”. It resonated because a “compulsion” is something you react immediately on, without thinking or controlling it’s response. Sometimes I fear I’m no better because I can’t help myself. Then I remind myself I’m human.
For the first time I feel traumatized. But I refuse to let that define me or take power over me, especially in the possibility of a new relationship. That is a mindset and choice and whether or not I believe it yet, I want to. And I am working on my own shame and not being my greatest self-gaslighter. I give myself grace knowing that I’ve been manipulated and controlled into altering my own reality. Trying to make sense of adjusting to somebody else’s convincing beliefs.
He was an expert.
I’m doing better daily. Recalibrating the stories to find my truth again. Recognizing his tactics and reacting less.
My light is starting to shine again. He will always be the same. I am forever changed.
