It’s hard to believe he never loved me. He has a lot of awareness for a narcissist or perhaps that awareness is part of the manipulation so we can connect and relate to him. Or maybe it’s even to play the victim on his end. “I know I’m toxic“, he says. After he got in a severe accident and was thankfully ok, he said “I’m bad to people and this is my karma.”. He was really shaken up by it, but he’s been shaken before. And I say “we” because this isn’t his first rodeo.
He’s also had other women say the same thing I’m sure and other life-changing “accidents”. But is it karma and are they really accidents, or merely a consequence of small negative actions that connect? He was in a bad head space that day, reacted to another guy in his car, and wham. I’m glad he’s ok, truly. But I felt disconnected and almost numb from it because I saw the pattern.
My emotions are literally a roller coaster right now. Although I know in my head what is best, my heart loves him and always will. I suppose I love the good, not the whole. And he’s suddenly been super affectionate with me, presumably also part of the manipulation. I mean, did he suddenly become attracted to me again after 5 months of not touching me for God-knows-whatever reason? I mean, I could surmise the reason. I hear his car pull up and I freeze with anxiety. Then I’m sad when I watch him leave. Conversations are so hard because I still see his pain and don’t want to hurt him more. Although I recognize he’s done this to himself and it’s time for me to honor my boundaries. I just don’t think you hurt people you love. You say you love. Not like this.
Integrity. Actions match words.
We made love. Attraction never faded for me. I suppose it was a choice, not a mistake. The first time it happened a few weeks ago I cried all night. The second time I felt empowered, and got on with my day. I questioned how I could do that and to me, it’s simple. LOVE. A lot of stress and emotion. An expression and a release. A choice. I don’t want to let that connection piece go. But it’s too intense to sustain in a healthy way for me.
There are two days left with him in my space. I’ve been looking forward to it and fearing it at the same time. But nostalgia is kicking in stronger. I’m afraid of never seeing him again. I question why I would even want to be friends with somebody who cheats, lies, takes. Maybe distance will help. I also realized there is no such thing as “starting over”. That is too exhausting, intimidating, and overwhelming. I wouldn’t have learned these things had I not gone through all this, hopefully to never repeat again at this level.
Self-awareness comes at a heavy price.
I have to believe he loved me the best he could or knew how. He says he’s all love and feeling, but I question his capability. I want to be with somebody who makes me happy. Not who is so sad, and makes me so sad.
