I saw him the day after his birthday. I hadn’t talked to him in weeks nor seen him in months. He stayed for 6 days of a loving, emotional, raw, physical and grateful week. I never know when he’s coming or going.
He comes into my life fully connected and leaves quickly with silence. We have never really talked about “us” other than the fact that we connect and there is some sort of love for each other. I’m scared of his complication, but am open and willing to battle with my heart and gain opportunities for growth.
When he asked if I knew what I want- in theory, I do, but I’m not sure from him. And he feels it apparently. He told me he thought that I didn’t want a relationship. Then he proceeded to tell me I’m also selfish. Nobody has EVER referred to me as selfish.
I dig deeper.
At the risk of sounding defensive, I can understand why he feels that I didn’t want a relationship because my fears and uncertainty had set in. Because I’m so accommodating and go-with-the-flow, I have been listening to him and his actions. I have always thought, especially somebody as blatantly direct as he, that a man will TELL you and show you. And what he says is that HE isn’t in a place to be in a relationship, about how he wants to go back to his country and be on his farm and have other families, how he isn’t the man he wants to be for me and needs to get his shit together first.
I listen.
Yet I continue to reach out, send him messages and poems, and ask when I can see him yet my attempts get ignored. Completely. He goes silent for weeks. So in my head, I presume each time has the potential to be the last, and simply remain grateful for the love and lessons I receive. So in an effort to protect myself, what else am I to do? He’s telling AND showing me.
He then exclaims “I didn’t fight for him”. I’m bewildered. Am I not fighting in a way that he understands? Have I been fighting? And what am I fighting for? Somebody who doesn’t include me in his life, or respect how I feel and react towards him, or what my heart needs? People say “you’re worth it, let a man fight for you/come to you”. Well, he does. Sometimes. When it’s convenient for him.
I step back. I finally see his self-proclaimed narcissism and apparent projection. He has been telling me. I guess we’ll both continue to chase sunsets in opposite directions.
I get it now. I’m smarter than the narcissist.
