stages of loss: within one day I literally may go through them all. Back and forth in pure exhaustion.
denial He’s still here. Part of me wants to be normal. I still see the good soul. I also accept his pain. What I cannot accept is how he treats me. He doesn’t even realize. Perhaps never will. I never wanted this. I’m still in love.
anger I have taken enough. I’m standing up for myself and speaking up. The more I do, the more hurtful comments I receive. Perhaps a shift in power. I am also mad at myself. I’m mad that he won’t fight for me. I’m mad he won’t help himself and be the loving person I know he can be.
bargaining Not a lot going on here from him. He doesn’t want to change. I have been reading daily messages on social media, affirmation/oracle decks, talking to a coach. Problem is I think I’m just bargaining for myself.
depression A lot of sadness. Loss of the good. Loss of something I care so deeply about turning into emptiness and the unknown. Fear. Anxiety. Not sleeping makes me tired.
acceptance My head knows it’s best. My mom recognizes my pain. So do my friends. I need the support. I have to re-read and listen to recordings to remind myself of the pain. Perhaps part of my self-protection is forgetting or ignoring my pain. It’s how I have survived, so I only focus on the good. I literally have to remind myself of my pain in order to be brave enough to accept this. I didn’t want this loss. But I didn’t want this abuse either.
My Dog, Kali:
Just like Jasper, she is my protector. A destruction of endings to make way for new beginnings. Taking on challenges I do not have the strength to face. She licks my tears and is always there for me. All love. That’s all she exudes. “Sometimes the divine comes disguised as a loss, an ending, or a really challenging shift in our lives.” I give my pain to Kali.
Presence
Losing somebody you lost yourself you, gave everything, thought of every moment of every day, then nothing. To shut them out of your mind as if they didn’t exist, just to move on. I can move on, but I choose to see the good. I won’t get them out of my mind.
He’s here right now. I can see, smell, feel, “act normal” out of denial and every moment is precious. It always was actually, because I wasn’t really ever secure enough to “have” him fully. Or he never really gave himself fully to me. Always one foot out the door. Or at least threatened to be. I know by the time I probably publish this or read it again he’ll be gone. But as I type he’s here. Across from me. All the pain doesn’t matter at this moment. Just this sweet moment of presence and gratitude.
Sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship
https://www.yogaanytime.com/blog/philosophy/finding-power-in-the-pain-lessons-from-the-goddess-kali
