I’ve cheated.
Why do we have to call it that? And why do we have to be so hurt by it, leave relationships because of it, and shame ourselves so much?
And at what point do people “cheat”? I suppose for many reasons:
- They are unhappy in their current situation and don’t know how to get out.
- They want to stay in their current situation but have needs not being met.
- We put unrealistic expectations on our partners to be everything.
- We have an undeniable, mutual, magnetic attraction to someone else.
- We perhaps have past trauma or emotional needs constantly searching for love and affection, wherever we can find it.
- We have an impulsive, spontaneous moment.
- It makes us feel alive.
Whatever the reason, it’s up to each individual and couple to determine what is right for them. And I battle between logic and reality in how I understand something versus how it actually feels when I am the perpetrator or a victim of this circumstance.
So, how am I to fully understand it with my partner and within myself?
I came back from a trip with this reality. It stung. It was in my apartment. What boundaries and communication do we want to set? My boyfriend is amazing and has always been clear about his desire for non-monogamy. What he explains to me sounds like he wants to have his “cake” and eat it too. But who doesn’t? Can I blame him? And why has society said we can’t have that?
And what level of pure acceptance do we have to reach versus “dealing” with something because we love our partner? I’ve accepted this is “him”, albeit difficult at times, but I’ve chosen to deal with it. I’ve asked him to not tell me, what I don’t know doesn’t hurt me, right? But if I truly love and accept him, wouldn’t it make me happy if he’s happy? And in turn, if he truly feels that way shouldn’t it be both ways? So, double-standard, why is he possessive and jealous? Is it the difference biologically between males and females? Person by person? Experience by experience? Past Trauma by trauma?
Trust.
This is a big one. Everybody says they want to trust their partner. Right.
I guarantee EVERY relationship defies trust on some level. Even my own guilt in shopping habits (which weren’t that bad) would cause me to leave bags in my car until my husband left. And the famous “this old thing? no, it’s not new.” And the protective white lies. We’ve all done it. Don’t even lie to yourself. But, why does “cheating” have SO much weight to cause us to never trust again!? It’s so dramatic, right? Yet it’s so common. And not trusting damages yourself, especially after a breakup. Why allow it?
And why drive yourself crazy? I battle with a lot of anxiety and with anxiety comes imagination. I’ve asked my partner to just not tell me. As of now, I don’t really want to know. What are our communicated boundaries? Both ways? I am still waiting to figure that out and have a healthy discussion around it. I still don’t understand it all, what it means for us, and how we can continue to grow and love each other as much as we do. And we do.
I’m wondering too the difference between these potentially random events and a life partner. Could it make you love your partner more by having this freedom, fulfilling your needs, being more “yourself”, and happier all around? I’m trying to put myself in that position mentally and I realize how fear-based I often am. I don’t want to be. I’m afraid of somebody else (on either side), even somebody temporary, breaking “us”. Loving somebody else more or even confusing or diminishing the love I have for my partner. But maybe this would emotionally balance us better, so we don’t put so many demands and expectations on our partners.
I don’t believe I have to trust his every word and every move. But, I do have to trust how he feels about me. And I can tell you, he loves me, is crazy about me, lifts me up, makes me stronger, talks through things, we have beautiful passionate love often.
So, what’s my issue? Let’s not create one and just love each other.
That means everybody that comes into our lives.
