I’ve had a crush on somebody for years. So intense that we had to be careful because he wasn’t available. Until he told me he was going to be on a special night we shared. For 3 months we spent intentional time together being affectionate, but not physical.
I am looking into my pattern of liking unavailable men. But that’s another story.
After 3 months of just “hanging”, I asked for us to have an respectful catch up- because he hasn’t communicated progress or intentions. We got together, and nothing was brought up. I shamed myself for being weak and not asking, then realized it wasn’t my “information” to share. That he should have respected me enough or been brave enough to fill me in on his own. So I wrote him the next morning that I was disappointed, and pointed out the fact that he is not available. He wrote a message back saying he “doesn’t really have time to designate to me and that’s not fair and wouldn’t want to make me feel unworthy”. Well, I realize nobody can “make” me feel a certain way, but we all know too that somebody will make the time if they want to and if it’s important enough.
But he has a lot to go through and figure out still, assuming he’s even going to change his life. He messaged me a few times in between stupid shit just to see if I was still “there”. Breadcrumbing if you will or to feed his ego or make sure I’m still an “option” or give him the attention he desperately needs. I didn’t play in. He’s still intertwined in his family life, redoing part of his house, and taking family vacations. So, that was pretty much the backstory, and end of it for me.
But last night…
His cousin is in a band a invited me and some friends to listen. So we went. I had a feeling he’d show up. His cousin, whom I have no idea of the information he has, said “I told him you were coming so hopefully he comes you should message him to come!”. Uh, negative. First of all, I wanted to see if he’d come on his own, knowing I’d be there. Well, he showed up alright. With a woman.
He sat next to me with the woman to his right. I’ve never felt weird or insecure around him until now. I was fumbling my words and felt dumbfounded. My friends noticed she had a wedding ring on (his was off) and a background picture on her phone of another man. But the two of them were tight. Instead of me guessing, I leaned into him and just asked “are you on a date?” and he said no- they used to work together and she’s also friends with his cousin. But I’m learning to listen to my intuition again, as my friends were also with the ability to be more objective, and they certainly did not appear just friendly.
So although this might seem like my story about him being a pussy, it’s more about what it triggered in me.
I suddenly felt unworthy and rejected. If he wanted to see me after these few months he would have. I glamorized him as perfect for me and wondered if those 3 months had just been in my head. But I knew they weren’t. But they weren’t together, but it seemed like it- perhaps both having an affair because it “felt” safer since they are both in the same possible situation. I am too dangerous to pursue because it might actually have turned into something, or I might have developed expectations or asked for a commitment, or worse yet- made him face himself. This is of course all speculation since I don’t know the facts, but I read his language and felt his disrespect. His back was turned against me the whole time facing her or the band. He leaned in a couple times to “check on me” which I felt was more like he was supposed to not want to. I wonder if he was uncomfortable too. He seemed quite comfortable to me.
My friends said to leave but I didn’t want to send that immediate message like I was a pouting little girl. I selfishly wanted him to be uncomfortable and it made me question why he’d bring her if he knew I was there. The reality is, I don’t think he really wanted to see me. Then the band took a break and the new happy couple went to sit at the bar at two stools facing each other. How I saw them was exactly how he and I usually were- totally into each other as if nobody else around existed. Fucking weird.
Is he literally that unaware, ignorant, or hurtful? If he is “officially” single now, he hasn’t called or chased me. I know that’s my answer alone. Thank you for showing me now.
I want a man on my level. Who has done the work, is aware, and makes me feel worth it. He wrote earlier he didn’t want to make me feel unworthy because his life was messy, but sir, you literally just did. In my face. I’m sorry, I stand corrected, your back to my face.
I also learned he’s taking another family vacation this summer to Scotland. Okay, progress or not? No idea. No communication. No guts. No clue. For a smart man, what a fucking idiot.
I do not chase I attract.
It makes me wonder too if there is blissful ignorance. Because I’m finally learning to stand up for myself, back out when I see red flags, not go for unavailable men, am I going to be the one alone? He’s likely going to go through a post-divorce-slut phase, where his ego gets super inflated with attention he hasn’t received in a decade, not knowing how to handle it. Imagining it’ll feel great, until it doesn’t. True connection on all levels is hard to find. I thought we had that, although never physical, there was certainly attraction.
But I’m not sitting around waiting for somebody else to figure their life out. What makes me sad is how “perfect” I felt we could have been – obviously not knowing, but all these years of flirting, staying in a safe space. I’m trying not to let it set me back- thinking, if a guy this “perfect and supposedly great for me” doesn’t get it, then who the fuck does? Doing all this work on myself to be aware of myself and others…I feel so much stronger and better for it, but it certainly has set me back from even wanting to date.
I’m working on my power and I’ve been so peaceful this past year by myself, but after last night I immediately needed validation from a man, any man. I logically know I don’t need it, and working through that, but that’s where I went. So, here are my lessons to myself:
- Be grateful when someone shows who they are.
- Acknowledge your triggers, but don’t let them own you.
- Trust myself.
- Attract, don’t chase.
- People make time for important things.
- Words are meaningless without action.
- Rejection is a blessing.
- Better now than later.
- Know when to walk away.
- Know my worth.
- Find somebody on my level.
- Love myself.
Finally, I wasn’t expecting to hear from him today. And of course, I didn’t. If he cared that I was caught off-guard he would have sent a message. If he respected me, he would have sent a message. Even if he manipulating-ly wanted to keep me around, he would have sent a message. If he was a man, he would have sent a message. He also never followed up on the conversation he said he wanted to have in person after that dinner 3 months ago, so why would I expect it today? Man up, make the change, do the work, and show up. Or stay where you are. I don’t care anymore. Not my journey.
I won’t be the one “doing it all” again. Initiating important conversations, making the time, doing all the work. No, I will not do that alone. Yes, it’s hard. I won’t be with somebody I don’t respect.
Meow & Ciao.
