I never want normal. Normal seems boring. Maybe because I’m probably boring, by standards, so I look for the opposite in me to bring out a more exciting side. So I tend to choose men that are foreign, hyper-intelligent, extremely good looking, younger, or even sometimes still married. These also tend to also be narcissists. A+ for consistency.
Or is the excitement of the unattainable fulfilling that need within me?
I just realized I used the word “need”. Do I really need excitement? I don’t even consider myself adventurous and am pretty content doing simple things. Yet, I equate stability with boring, but that’s not necessarily true, so why do I tell myself that? I never really noticed this subconscious pattern because I believe I actually want somebody, a partner, a lover- a secure, stable one.
But I don’t even know what that looks like because I’ve never seen it or felt it. So alas, back to my familiar pattern.
Do I go for unavailable so I don’t actually have to commit? Or to protect myself from rejection or unworthiness? To prove myself right and reinforce a belief that I don’t deserve such? Because I’m always dismissing somebody else’s “messy”. Because my values are low and I don’t love myself enough to set those boundaries and high standards?
Another theory is that I like the challenge. It gives me a hit of dopamine which can mirror excitement and a sense of reward. Especially when I’m putting the other on a pedestal- like they’re smarter, better looking, richer than me, aka even more unattainable.
Conversely, when somebody shows me attention I’m not interested in, it oddly feels uncomfortable because that challenges my inner narrative that I don’t deserve it or am unworthy. Or I’m annoyed or the attention and immediately unattracted.
Mind you, this is all the subconscious mind. My conscious, logical mind knows otherwise. But I don’t want to beat myself up either. I’m done doing that. I refuse to be my worse abuser and sabotager. What I tell myself matters, is important, and can rewire my brain. I have all the power to love myself and heal myself by honoring my values, listening to my intuition, and controlling how I support myself.
It is all within me. I can do it, consciously or not.
