I’ve thought a lot about this and the answer is all over the place. But each position I feel is actually right, it just depends on the people. I’ve also watched youtube videos and googled other articles’ thoughts about it. And it comes down to this for me:
Go with confidence. Feel what’s right.
In general, here are the theories:
- If you sleep too soon he won’t respect you
- If you do it too soon he’ll think you “give it up” for anybody
- If you wait too long he’ll lose interest
- If you give it up too soon you lose power and he loses interest
- Make him “wait” for it because if he does, then you’ll know he actually wants to get to know you and it’s NOT just about sex
I’ve tried these theories in my dating world over the last few years. Perhaps I’ve tried the wrong tactic with the wrong person, who knows. But honestly, I couldn’t see a pattern. None of it mattered because none of them were actually the right connection or the right time.
Then you have the aftermath. How do you handle it after intimacy? Are we too vulnerable and open too quickly? Do we put pressure or expectations too quickly on “being together” or what’s going to happen next time? How about exclusivity and when? And how do we express interest without being demanding too quickly? And what if we’re too nonchalant about it portraying that it didn’t matter and was just fun?
I maybe have done all of these, inadvertently. But I do know, in a very backward kind of way, that when I’m actually interested in somebody I’m much more cautious. When I care less or have fewer expectations upfront is when we just have casual sex, and it is fun! A lot of women can’t decipher between the emotions, but I actually am very aware and feel like I can. Of course, I’ve had many that have stung too, where I thought we connected and then I don’t hear from them at all. Perhaps that is all they wanted. Thank you for showing me and allowing me to move on.
Either way, I want to be myself and do what feels right. I don’t live with regret, I own my actions but I’m still working on communicating expectations and setting boundaries. Figuring out what those are, however, while living up to my standards is the challenge.
I can’t wait to have sex with love again. It’s worth not rushing.
