Is it possible that I’m afraid of communication? Was I always this way or did develop after years of ineffectiveness? Is it me and my fears surrounding it, or others’ incapabilities? Is it something we all fear, and why would talking be so difficult.
Because it’s not the actual talking. It’s a fear of conflict, hurting another’s feelings, hearing the painful truth, causing confusion, or forcing a life change. I feel I express myself quite well, but mostly to my friends. When it comes to men, perhaps there’s more at risk because of our entwined lives and the romantic attachment. And there’s more to lose. Besides when we talk, there’s different perspectives so each of our realities create a distance. So, it’s easier to stay silent.
But I can’t stay silent anymore.
To give a background of context, here’s my history with 20 years of narcissists. A man encourages me to speak, whether in writing or verbally, and it takes me a while of processing before I build up the thoughts and courage. Writing notes, finding the “perfect” thing to say, trying to predict their reactions and responses so I’m fully prepared. I eventually do, and get backlashed, manipulated, confused, disregarded, turned a back on, or even ignored. To the point where I end up apologizing. So, my pattern becomes silence out of self-protection and a loss of confidence. But I read somewhere that “being a peacekeeper is the ultimate form of self-betrayal.” I bottle it up, then it all comes out wrong at the wrong time causing further frustration and doubt within me.
So now what?
I’m still trying to figure it out. This year of intense “healing” and solitude is rewinding me to my core self. Refinding my truth and not being afraid to express my needs. I’m still trying to understand what my needs actually are after suppressing them for years. I have to pay attention again to the little things that “should” be normal that I don’t want to glamorize as exceeding expectations. My bar has been too low for too long.
I’m committing to speaking how I feel, even if it sounds wrong at the wrong time. I can’t control how it’s perceived and I have to say it without fear. But trust that whomever the recipient, will hear me the same way I try with them. And maybe in time with the right person, we will see into each other, the good and ugly, and create that safe space I’ve been longing for.
