I have to remind myself of my power, yet my reality. He does have me. But, I choose to be in this. I know there is value. Or do I convince myself there is value to justify my choice? Or am I justifying an addiction? So I have to ask myself, what is the value – sex, romanticism, pushing me to be my best, helping me think outside the box, teaching me a greater existence, spirituality, expanding my horizons, companionship, love, touch, appreciation. All of this and more.
It’s not traditional, but I never wanted that completely, so I asked for it. And got this.
He lives a secret life, but maybe we all do. We all want freedom and non-possessiveness. I guess he tells me what he wants to tell me and I shouldn’t question it. We just had a beautiful few days together (on and off seeing each other for four days after I hadn’t seen him about 2 weeks). I let him reach out. When I reach out, I’m often ignored or he doesn’t pick up, so I just wait, and do my thing in the meantime. I mean, I’m not “waiting” around – just to clarify. I trust he’ll reach out. Be there. Here. He knows he has my heart, and my body for that sake.
I’m grateful when I see him and believe we love each other and have a unique, strong connection. I have to believe it because it supports me. So I choose to believe it.
I’ve learned, maybe still learning a little, to accept our love and friendship for what it is. It doesn’t have to be defined, to anyone or myself. A mutual friend casually told me he just got back from Yosemite. I suppose that’s why I didn’t seem him for a few weeks. Makes sense now. It felt weird to hear it from her nonchalantly, and to not have known that from him. I suppose he tries to protect me in a fucked up, backwards way. Maybe he doesn’t care or try to protect me at all- that’s again me trying to equate protection from him with love. Again, maybe we all do that? Maybe I’m still in my justification loop.
Maybe this is another lesson from him to just be present and live in the now. Be a free spirit and enjoy the moment…wherever connection, time alone, or whatever may come. His car is broken so I have my speculations on how he got up there. My self protection doesn’t want to know.
We had a really nice last few days. My life with Kali and my dad has been stressful and I felt relaxed last night, enjoying the vision of my 3 pets still with me, and the touch of us on the couch listening to sound frequencies. I needed that. Does now knowing that he kept Yosemite from me take away the fact that I felt relaxed, loved, not alone, and supported? How much I enjoyed the last few days? No, it does not. It was my reality last night, and I appreciate it for what it was. For who he is.
Our relationship, just like any other, is beautiful and messy. Or is it? Maybe it’s simpler than I think…like everything else we all try to over-complicate, for no reason. Maybe it’s not messy, we make it messy. As I’m even currently doing by writing this and wasting my thought on it.
Just like our relationship, it is what it is.
