My feelings don’t just come from nowhere. They are founded on something. Whether it’s from childhood or a current situation, they are valid. They are not necessarily correct or true.
Know the difference.
A consistent pattern has also created insecurity in me. (Ha! Now that I write that doesn’t consistency create security? I suppose when it’s a negative consistency, or a perceived negative consistency, it feeds the opposite.) I’m non-existent when he’s gone. Yes, that pattern. Doesn’t answer phone (which he’s on more than anybody I know), rarely texts first or even responds timely for that matter. Timely, I mean, if at all.
He’s gone for a few weeks, so I’m overthinking and driving myself crazy on how and if to even communicate it. It’s been said many times in the past, right? But it’s not changing or doesn’t matter. So now what? If I say something while he’s gone, then he’s just annoyed and it perpetuates his not wanting to reach out more. Or, it brings up potential conflict. The “old” me always wants to be the cool, perfect, understanding girlfriend, and the expense of her own needs. Typical. So I think to wait until he comes home, not right away, of course, but at “some random” time to bring it up in a rational conversation. But is it EVER a perfect and appropriate time? Isn’t it best to often bring things up AT the time you feel them, otherwise, it’s passe?
He finally calls. We haven’t talked in a week and while I know that is not perspectively a long time, for people who are connected daily it doesn’t feel right. I want it to be, you know, the “perfect”, excited, upbeat conversation. But he can tell I’m off and asks if I’m ok. I want to honor myself and I tell him I’m feeling insecure and nervous. Nervous because within the first 5 min he was down my throat from a dumb comment I made (which to me isn’t usually that dumb nor worth his strong reaction, but I dismiss it). I know and am reminded he’s not the guy, nor do we have the relationship where we have to check in constantly, which I agree. He is that Libra and hates that because he feels it’s control. I feel it’s consideration and connection. He’s also entitled to his feelings, of course, and this is a situation where neither is right or wrong, just a “thing” we need to work through. It’s been long enough, and we need a common ground.
He mentions that I don’t trust him. And while that may be somewhat true, especially given our recent past, I believe it’s mostly because I feel disconnected and disregarded. I think it’s a typical Love Language barrier. With little-to-no communication, ignoring calls and messages, it makes me realize he doesn’t miss or think of me, or else he WOULD reach out. That’s logical. Furthermore, whether true or not, makes me feel like I’m only convenient when he’s around, and has no use for me when not. I realize that might be dramatic, but it’s a thought. I also know when I’m the one gone and busy and off-schedule, that you often don’t miss the other as much as the absence for the one left behind. I get it. And you’re so busy you don’t think to call, text, etc. The feelings are just “different”. I can accept and acknowledge that. And when I bring up my feelings, my “fear” is validated and he feels attacked because I’m expressing a need and we just wanted to have a “nice conversation”. Damn. But if he’s feeling “attacked”, that’s on him, right? Because I’m not attacking him but rather expressing a need. It’s defensive, and I suppose this is the “blame” part of the conversation where he doesn’t actually want to take accountability for how his actions make me feel.
So here I am, left with insecurity. My needs are not being met, and to what extent is it up to my partner? I keep busy, meditate, try to not overthink and stay strong, but it builds in me. With quality time and words of affirmation being non-existent, it’s no wonder that I feel insecure. And I’m always nervous bringing up uncomfortable conversations or feelings, so that’s on me. And I also know insecurity is unattractive to a man, so I’m constantly feeling in a no-win situation. Hence, why I typically resort to saying nothing because it’s “easier” and I’m just left to deal with my own feelings. Besides, I can’t make somebody reach out if they don’t want to.
I guess it’s just that fact alone that makes me sad. He doesn’t want to.
Is what it is.
