I was a step-parent, for almost 10 years. My friends want me around their kids because I’m such a positive, strong influence.
Not having my own children at my age, it’s hard to find a man without kids. But I totally welcome and nurture kids in my life so I’m grateful for it. I actually want it.
We’ve been together for almost four years and I’ve met his kids twice. The second time was yesterday.
His ex (their mom) abuses him and restricts him from seeing them as much as she possibly can. He has no rights. She controls everything. She hurts him which in turn hurts HER (with a lack of support) and ultimately the kids. They both likely think they’re protecting them.
He brought them yesterday to my apartment to hang out. They went to the beach, pool, dinner here, then fireworks. I’m not allowed to go. While they were at my apartment, I made them food and briefly interacted with them until he pulled me aside. He said:
“I know this is fucked up, but please don’t interact with the kids. Because then they will like you, take it back to their mom (who will be mad), and then she’ll hold it against him and ultimately hurt him.”
I’m dissecting my thoughts, whether they are right or wrong, I have no idea, but here goes:
- Am I supposed to be “the adult” and always take the backseat? Because I can (able to)? Because my feelings and needs are always less important than his or his children’s?
- My feelings don’t matter.
- Am I supposed to accept NEVER being a part of them or what is most important to him in his life?
- What is my role? To serve him and be convenient?
- When is he going to stand up for me/us?
- He tells me to “grow up” and “think about the kids”- except I’m the ONLY one not lying to them. He even wants to call me by a different name, not act like we’re together. Is it protecting the kids or himself?
- So, me being nice hurts him? And to blame ME if they like me and it gets back to their mother!? AS IF I’M the one hurting everybody? I think their mother and he do a pretty good job at hurting each other and their children.
- They are not my children. I have no voice. Not my decision.
- I can’t even act like myself in my own home.
- I keep telling myself he’s trying to do his best, just like all of us.
He did send me a message saying “Thank you for understanding and being so nice to his kids.” Well, damned if I do.
I’ll just do my thing. Respectfully stay out.
