When Kali got diagnosed I was spiraling. Confused, hopeful, researching, questioning, denying. I had so much to research and learn, not realizing my learning yet to come was mostly emotional, not medical. After one xray, I was told she’d have a month to live. Yet looking at her, she was herself – vibrant & happy. This is 6 months later.
I put up daily affirmations to read and remind myself, which have also become guiding lessons. It’s not that I’ve never been exposed to these lessons, they just come in their deepest teachings through pain. They read:
- One day at a time.
- Control what you can.
- All you need is within you.
- You are love ♥️
- Enjoy every moment.
- Be grateful for time.
- Take care of yourself.
- Be her advocate.
- Breathe.
If I break each one of these down it’s simple in theory, difficult in practice.
PATIENCE
I want all the answers. NOW! What can I do and how do I make the best decisions? I’ve had to literally go day by day, reminding myself that anxiety exists in our future and worrying will get me nowhere. Making decisions as the information comes in- as she reacts and responds to treatment and changes in routine and food. I’d sometimes get so frustrated because she wouldn’t help me help her- take her meds or eat her food or not jump off the couch (for fear of bone fracture). But I couldn’t stop her from being her. I had to trust her as much as she trusts me. She knows her body. And she’s a baby. She doesn’t understand or know what’s happening, she only knows her leg (or tummy) hurts. My poor girl.
CONTROL
I want to think I can still fix this. It gives me a sense of hope I guess…and I’d have to keep reminding myself that I didn’t put this damn lump in her leg! That I can slow the progression, treat the cancer, make her feel better, comfortable, prolong her life. Perhaps I did. But this part also made me angry. This is something we all struggle with because it can coincide with guilt – did I do the right thing? Am I making her suffer? Am I doing enough?
I also think I’m supposed to control my emotions better. Be grateful and present instead of anxious and fearful. Am I taking precious time away from her because I’m so emotional and sad all the time? Am I creating my own suffering or is this part of it? I think this much sadness is just a reflection of love, and I can exist in both gratitude and sadness at the same time. I have to remind myself that feelings are temporary, they pass. They are compounding and beautiful. Even the pain has an unspoken beauty. How beautiful to love something SO much. To be cherished back unconditionally. Amazing.
Now we’re at the hardest part of control- the final Letting Go. I don’t feel strong enough to do it, but have to be for her. I can’t let her suffer or have a traumatic event. Even yet, I still need constant validation and reassurance – how am I supposed to control the timing of her death? It doesn’t make sense. There’s a part of me in disbelief still because she’s NEVER been old to me. She literally had no signs – lumps, bumps, ickies, cloudy eyes, senile moments – NADA. So even though I’m perhaps waiting for a sign – there won’t be one. She’s too alert and strong. But she’s in obvious pain. I hake to take control. She’s trusting me to take control.
PRESENCE
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been crying or worried looking at her. All while I’m sitting on the couch relaxed, with her head on my lap after a good meal. Surrounded by the cats- all 3 within a foot of me. Such a peaceful moment, and I’m just sitting here scared and worried. I’ve had to bring myself to the most present – close my eyes and feel her fur, her breath, and thank God I can touch her. Tomorrow I’ll worry about tomorrow and practice this again. It’s a constant awareness so I don’t lose the precious moments I can’t get back.
Dogs, however, excel at this. They don’t worry about tomorrow or wonder why they behaved a certain way. They don’t try to be or do better. They just ARE. They’re intuitive and instinctive. Sure they have memories and routines, but every little thing makes them happy because they’re present and aware. Ah, I strive for this important lesson.
LOVE
This one is too great, and even hard to put into words, but we all feel it. I’ve been “pre-grieving” for months. They say “grief is love that has nowhere to go”. Spiritually they say animals are said to be mirrors- that help us see the parts of ourselves that we cannot see. I wish I was as present and brave as she. What I can see we mirror is love and devotion. This love is a bond of eternal innocence – a child that never grows up that has shaped my daily routine. A simple, giving love without complication, ego, or judgment. Pure acceptance and unconditionality. The key word being “pure”. It is as simple as the sunshine in your face.
TRUST
I’ve talked to a pet communicator and she said Kali trusts me. I have cared for her for 21% of my life – for the past decade. I’ve had to trust that she knows her body and will not put pressure on her leg if it hurts. I watch her jump off the couch landing on her good leg first. I’ve had to let go of some control and anxiety surrounding this, trusting that she knows.
She also has to trust me – that I’ll come home and feed her and be there and love her. I’m pretty much with her 24/7 – never let her down, think of her when I’m gone, and circled my life around her. She relies on me. I am her advocate. I am there for her as she has been for me.
Then there’s trust in myself. This one is hard as doubt, shame, guilt, confusion, denial sets in. I constantly have to remind myself what I TELL myself. It’s within me. Everything I need is already within me- strength, love, knowledge, skills, critical thinking, past experiences. When they mentioned amputation at diagnosis I immediately said “I can’t do that to her at 13yro.” Do you know how many times since I’ve considered it? After an awful 4-trip week to the ER – I said “there is no wrong time after this”. And again, questioning if it’s really her “time” and I can end her pain. Because I don’t want to trust myself sometimes because it’s not the actual answer I want. I want her with me forever. I have to trust she will be – just in another form. The love is already there and will be within me forever – I have to trust that I’ll still feel it – just differently.
Trust the universe. This one is spiritual too – and contradicts control. I have to let go of control and just trust that what’s supposed to happen will. Who’s supposed to show up will. Whatever I’m supposed to go through will be for a reason/lesson. That this is just part of my journey and story and her story. That I’ll see her again.
GRATITUDE
I’ve tried to turn every moment into gratitude – even the severe pain. Grateful to have experienced this love, because if I didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Grateful for more time that I got. Grateful I kept her comfortable (for the most part – let’s call it manageable) and that the good days significantly outweighed the bad days. Gratitude is a mindset shift. A conscious and deliberate way of looking at something, to ease the pain and appreciate the existence. And not just present gratitude – grateful for her WHOLE healthy, long life. Grateful for her love, protection, brilliance, resilience, everything. Gratitude is a choice, and when overly emotional it’s hard to feel it – but gratitude feels more logical than emotional. Imagine in the coming weeks/years I’ll feel it more. As I’m too overwhelmed with emotion and pain, I know this will ease and transform more and more into gratitude. I’m truly and so grateful for my Kali Wali.
SELF-CARE
An effort to take care of myself- when you’re caring for something/one else. I have to admit, I’ve neglected my life for about 6 mo. Sure I’ve gone out and done things, but all I want to do is be home with my dog. I’m still a little unsure if it’s because of her health and age or if it’s also a right-of-passage with my own aging. But regardless, this has taken an emotional and financial toll on me, and I’ve had to focus on her. She got all the supplements and oils and treatments I could. I knew it was temporary, and completely worth it. I honored a massage for myself occasionally, and a consistent swim, but the nails, dates (ugh), hair, going out, spending with with friends will have to wait. She’s been worth it. I take care of what I need to for myself. And hey, gave myself a few excuses not to shower. No big deal.
SELFLESSNESS
The ultimate act of love – ending any suffering. She doesn’t feel the same thing I do. She epitomizes presence. I want to keep her physically with me forever. Dogs are too perfect and their lives too short. This is for her.
Bringing Us Together
These are the lessons through my experience, but as I watch her – this is also her journey. She’s fierce. Still standing on her fractured leg, smiling, chasing the cats, eating, alert. Not once a whimper. She’s literally unreal. A miraculous survivalist still protecting her mom (me) barking at the Amazon delivery. Doing her job without a day off. I suppose I’ve never gotten a day off either. We’ve been in this together.
As I write this she’s still here with me. At least for another day or so. I can’t make that call, but know I have to. I have to honor her – she deserves it. It’s not about me anymore.
She has shaped the rhythm of my daily life. When we lose our pets we lose not only their physical presence, but our daily purpose and identity. I’ve been a dog mom for almost 20 years. I’ve had Kali for 21% of my life. I’m a dog mom. I’m Kali’s mom. Even if she’s not here, I still will consider myself a dog mom. I will be again some day. She and Jasper wouldn’t NOT let me be. They will guide me.
After watching the 2 videos below, they tell me connection doesn’t end – it changes shape – from the physical world it just becomes part of our story. Especially when we go through difficult times that they helped us through, they become part of that story. Through breakups and moves and tears – she gave me something other than myself to think about and care for. On my darkest days her smile and attitude make me happy. I have no choice living in an apartment but to walk her several times – forcing me to get out in the sunshine and out of my depression…at least temporarily.
What a blessing to have a dog. The love is real, regardless if she’s still here with me. She’s already a part of me because we are one. I am her. A sweet passage says “After a dog passes, they move from beside you, to all around you.”
I just have to pay attention, be present, and trust she’s there.
