I’m aware.
I’m tired of outside noise.
Everybody’s opinions from their fucked up lives and own traumas.
My own head noise.
Midlife isolation from judgment and toxicity.
Get out.
Everybody.
Everything.
Except him. He’s back.
I know.
I’ve shared too much. It’s my fault. But I broke down and needed support. I’m not embarrassed, but rather exhausted. Do I have to explain anything to anybody? I mean technically no, it’s my life. I’m finding those who actually love and support me know and trust I’ll “figure it out”. On my own time. My own journey. But our mutual lack of trust in my decisions and patterns is understandable. People are protective not only of me, but because they too have experience similarities and don’t want to see that same reflection.
I’ve had 2 memorial services this month. Life is short. He’s working on it as am I. I have things I need to change- we ALL do. So why so much judgment? Because people saw me hurt and crying and broken down? Well, welcome to relationships, right? They only see the bad I suppose. There is much love and affection in our relationship. And growth.
I like to believe I have grown. We all can. And he’s fighting for me and told me he wants to commit. We know his lifestyle doesn’t work either. We’re just two people trying to figure out what works for us. That’s the hard part. Different from society (thank goodness) but still within our own comfort level of values and norms.
How it plays out we will see. But I’m hopeful. I see him working on things. Maybe that’s all we can ask for.
Love. It’s there.
