I had the night alone. And a swim today. It rebalances me. But anger has set in. I recalled the last week of events…
When he called on Monday after I saw him Saturday and we made love, he didn’t say “I love you, I want to see you.”. He said, “hey, do you have work for me?”. Of course, I’m always willing to help so he came down. He moved the family into a house and his current work project was over, so he’s again broke and homeless. And the same trait he was criticizing me for being “accommodating” is the same trait that is convenient for him.
He downgraded me to a “Lover” and mentioned it was uncomplicated. We never have defined any expectations between us. And for him to completely not respond to me for weeks on end, not make time to see me after I’ve made several attempts to make it easy on him coming to him for the past 6 months so he doesn’t have to cross the border and we can keep our relationship a “secret” so he can keep peace with others in his life. For him to never tell anybody about me (presumably because I have to be quiet when he’s on telephone calls) shows no respect for our relationship or me.
Then he tells me I didn’t “fight for him”? He’s projecting on me. What am I fighting FOR? He has no stability, security, capacity to give, money, or at the least consistency. He comes in and out of my life when it’s convenient for him. Then he has the audacity to tell me I’M selfish!? I’m selfish when I open my heart to him knowing these things despite what’s best for my own interests in the sake of love and passion and growth opportunities? Sure, it has to be mutually beneficial…of course, as I’m getting something out of it too- companionship, great conversation, sex, etc. But I provide him safety, ease, food, a roof, sex and love in his times of need. Every time.
I’m always open to better myself, but I actually spent days of listening to him not lift me up or telling me words of affirmation I too need to hear. Making fun of the fact that I said I’m a “giver”, about my political, or lack thereof, philosophies, and about how badly I fucked up with my irrational neighbor (without knowing the full story or having MY back), about how I am selfish and didn’t fight for him. Right.
I didn’t have a good feeling and so I walked my dog. I was actually upset and I need to listen to my intuition. Was I upset because something didn’t feel right or because I heard things that were hard to hear? Or because they weren’t necessarily true from my perspective?
I realize now and I’m mad.
I am strong, and I do have a fight, but I will fight for myself first. And I will fight for things that are worth it.
