There was a turning point for me this summer. FINALLY!
I observed how he treated his daughter. I watched her cry a lot and knew she was telling the truth because it was exactly what he says to me. I felt protective, not just of her, but somehow of myself as a reflection of her. But it was easier to stand up for her than myself. If he could tell even her these things, then I realized “it’s really him”. The misogynistic, righteous, narcissistic behavior. It’s really him. He’s shown me all along, but I only really believed it now. I was too in love and overlooked everything in an attempt to accept him and keep him loving me. Yet during this time, I truly realized he didn’t (and doesn’t) love me. Or at least the way I need to be loved. I finally broke down and told him that. And in every other thought in my mind with rehearsed phrases asking him to leave, I simply froze.
It took a 12-year-old to tell me he’s toxic. Rather, I knew it but I was ashamed that she watched me put up with it. And in turn I had to “defend” him and their relationship because “he’s always going to be your father.” I didn’t want to disrespect him, but was completely on her side.
Until one day he said “I won’t ever take any shit from a woman, including my daughter. I’ll be fine without her, but she’s always going to have Daddy issues.” It showed me everything. How he preaches detachment and lack of suffering, selfishness and how if he could do that to his own daughter, then I literally mean nothing.
I took care of her most of the summer. Not only did we like doing girl things, but he was mostly gone. Plus, she didn’t want to be around him because if she was, she pretty much got yelled at/berated. Sure, she’s 12 and can be difficult in her own right, but when he gave her the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” to read it was beyond inappropriate. Sure, there are likely some good points to the book, but she’s freaking TWELVE! Even she would say that to me.
She’s a really smart girl. On day 4 she said “I think my dad has borderline personality disorder” and “I have only been here 4 days and I don’t know how you can live with him.” She had a countdown all summer to return to her mom in New York. I felt ashamed for both him and me.
I did my best to love her and keep her sane and happy while here.
It only took 4 days after she left for him to not come home one night. He used to disappear all the time and I wouldn’t sleep and literally shake in my bed. Telling myself whatever I needed to accept him while not honoring myself. Then it only took me another 2 weeks to find the strength to ask him to leave. And funny what you wish for, now I wish he was gone.
I can’t handle his presence. I know I’m trauma-bonded and it’s not healthy. I’m finding myself and my strength again. The abusive cycle is real. I don’t believe anything anymore and am ready for all the blame. It’s textbook narcissism. I’ve been studying and gaining a lot of knowledge surrounding it as well as my own patterns. Most friends and family don’t understand. And fortunately they probably wouldn’t unless they’ve been through the control and constant mind-f*ckery.
I’m holding my ground and keeping momentum on him leaving. I know he’s going to milk it because he doesn’t want to leave. I even said I’d help him find a place, which I’m pretty sure he’ll also blame me if I don’t find one (because it’s MY job, right?) I just want him out. It’s unnatural for me to be firm.
But I have to. For me. Finally.
