I’m having a hard time articulating this one but bear with me. I have not been dating much lately. And definitely not online. I just can’t right now. I don’t have the effort and I’m in a good place of no bullshit. Covid has been obviously weird for connections, and sometimes I’d get online out of boredom, but instead, I’ve been watching and listening to my friends. I think a LOT about people, psychology, human behaviors and reactions. I don’t know, probably more than most people natually analyze. But lately, many friends have been coming to me for advice. Like ALL of us, we’re much better at giving it than receiving it. Well, I’m good actually at receiving it because I want to always be better and open-minded, but I’m not so good at practicing it.
Lately as an outsider, I see a lot of dysfunction. Many insecurities in both men and women, and in my belief people who are not ready to give and be in a mature relationship. But, they continue to look for it, put on the show, and likely aren’t really honest up front (both ways) as they get to know each other. I feel so much of it is just false pretense. And some of my friends I am close with and KNOW them through and through- that doesn’t mean they’re not worthy of love because everybody is, but I think what the other person who’s met them a handful of times and their excitement in the possibility of “the one”. I suppose we all need to practice to become better and perhaps this is a piece of it. But it actually makes me sad watching it. Like I almost know the ending.
Then I think about how many first/second dates I’ve gone on obviously taking risks and not knowing somebody. How honest they are not only in their intentions but WHO they are. I AM WHO I AM. I am an open book. Silly, straight forward, loving, honest. I am completely puzzled why men aren’t bewildered by me. That is not to be conceited, and I have some current men whom I feel do really want to be with me, but unfortunately for some of them the romantic feelings just aren’t mutual or once again timing isn’t right. Or frankly, they’re not ready. I realize how many men I’ve met (I watch women do this too) that also show up with their insecurities and apprehensions and false intentions that I have no idea about. They’re not ready, but I don’t know it. They’re not honest, but I don’t know it. But I watch it.
I have not found my emotional equal. I have not found my romantic, passionate equal. I’ve come close and been shown, but sadly, space and time do not permit. I do trust the universe and thank those whose paths I’ve crossed that have taught me small or big lessons. I’m finally being selective.
Sometimes it’s even hard for me to watch myself from the outside.
