I have a balance of intensity when needed but I consider myself primarily laid-back. I’m an extremely passionate person, but I’m driven by logic and empathy. My intensity mostly pertains to my own performance, not a form of control. Perhaps control within myself, but not others. I am a processor and not a reactor. My mind goes at 30 miles a minute. I have to reflect, look at all angles, step back, and look again. Then sometimes by the time I go through this internal process, my original intensity subsides into non-action.
So, where’s my fire when I need it most?
When it comes to most situations, I have to get completely pushed or stressed before I react. When it comes to love, I have different fears and risks often causing inward noise yet outward silence. In all these years I still struggle with that balance.
Why don’t I stand up for myself?
I’m often ashamed of myself, or even how others watch me disrespect myself and not demonstrate my worthiness. Do I really know my own worth? I believe I do, but then why don’t I act on it? I’m told I’ll be respected more by a partner, especially an alpha partner if I do set boundaries. Otherwise, they walk all over me, and yet I still continue to allow it. Why am I so afraid to speak out? Fear of losing a person? Fear of making somebody else angry? Fear of not being loved, accepted, or adored? Do I accept the reality of situations, or simply want to have my cake and eat it too?
I don’t want to be driven by fear and was once told not to let fear make my decisions. A situation recently changed, and new boundaries must be set. But I’m wondering why I’m not angrier. Perhaps I’ve built my own wall up. I allow him to come into my life, I share my love, my body, my space, my heart. We’re completely intertwined. Then he leaves and it’s like I don’t exist. All communication is lost. In a strange way, I turn it into gratitude which keeps me “in check”. That this is temporary. And he doesn’t truly love me the same way. He doesn’t have the bandwidth right now for me. And I deserve to be respected and loved. Perhaps I’ve become numb to men in general because my expectations have become so low. Perhaps the numbness is a self-defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt.
So, I suppose I’m not angrier because I know that. But does acceptance make it ok? Maybe just the reality of it and a healthy perspective makes it ok. And ok for whom? Everybody who judges my situation or me? If I’m ok with it, I need to stand confidently in my decision, which I often do. It’s simpler than I think it is. It’s my choice, my life, and my self-respect. I’m not ready to let go.
But…even my own cake will burn in the fire.
