I actually feel sorry for guys. Just what the male ego DOESN’T want, right? And I’m not referring to the egotistical definition of arrogance and authority, I’m referring to the innate needs a man has for affirmation, attention, and respect.
The way I see it, men don’t “work” on themselves as freely as women, but it’s not their fault. They often don’t grow up talking about feelings because it’s not tough enough, so they’re taught. Perhaps ones with sisters or sensitive fathers nad mothers they learn, but society still seems to shut it down. It’s in a man’s nature to be protective and strong and any sign of sensitivity can appear to be a weakness, when in reality, takes more strength. A sensitive man can appear, according to society, a pussy and even get made fun of for it, causing them to keep it inside.
They don’t have the support system women often do, and as they get older, have even fewer friends. Especially when in relationships, they often don’t maintain their male friendships, and if they do, they probably don’t talk of substance. I’m noticing in my mid-40s how many men have unaddressed insecurities that they’ve never dealt with. Perhaps they are freshly divorced or still single and often can’t figure out why. The gap between a woman’s maturity at this age and a man’s is still so great. If a man is sensitive, it’s likely because they’ve been taught it by a past relationship and potentially the “hard” way. Whereas we women, it comes naturally to us. We’re willing to accept our flaws and often vocally express them and WORK on them! We have to release them by sharing our thoughts and engaging in social interaction to make ourselves feel better.
We’re also more willing to seek professional help. I’ve been in therapy throughout my life and I LOVE it. I think it’s good for everybody, at any age and any stage. Life is hard, but connection and communication and awareness is how we get through it. Men tend to keep a lot in, or not even process feeling at all. I need a deep connector. It’s hard to find.
Another thing I realize is that men can’t seem to juggle many things at once. They live in one compartment in their head at a time…whereas we women tangle many. It’s simply a difference in our brain processing. For example, if they don’t have a good job, where they are able to feel strong, have self-confidence, and ability to provide, then that’s ALL they can focus on, even at the point of pushing a good woman away who would support them. Because even a woman who supports them (in whatever way- emotionally, financially, etc) it still somehow makes them feel bad about themselves or undeserving. So they can only focus on that one thing, getting a job. If their ego is damaged, they don’t feel worthy, and that makes me sad.
We all go through tough times and need to be loved, even when our egos are shattered. It’s ok. We women want to love you regardless.
Very insightful post! “…Many men have unaddressed insecurities that they’ve never dealt with” — I wholeheartedly agree (as an “insider” to the male tribe). A fragile ego develops from insecurities that are unexamined and therefore unchallenged or not worked through. For men who embrace an insecurity, it is very liberating–especially when your support network is helping you mature and evolve at your pace, and not seen to be judging you. Some guys have people in their lives who challenge their ego definition and break through insecurities, and some of them learn to be less fragile. And this seems to take a lot of “relearning” on the part of the man. He may have to resist a great deal of societal, environmental, and personal psychological barriers to progress. Sadly, the fragile ego is often standing in the way of love, connection, intimacy and happiness. Those who learn to take their ego less seriously and view their fears in less catastrophic proportions are almost certainly going to be happier in general.